Day 360: Giuliana & Bill Night

It is my last methotrexate day before the Year is over. Even though I’m going to keep taking it and continue blogging, it feels monumental in some ways. I thought it only fitting to watch a little Giuliana & Bill, since they inspired me to begin this journey.

Ever since I watched that marathon of old episodes one year ago, I’ve recorded any new episodes to see if they will continue to inspire me (truth, they have). This week the finale of the sixth season aired. I watched the last two episodes of the season tonight in my methotrexate sleepiness on the couch. In the penultimate episode, Giuliana has to take a blood test to make sure her breast cancer has not returned. After she gets the good news that it has not, she starts talking about how nervous she feels about taking tests and getting the results. Something she said really stuck out to me. “When you go through something like this, you feel like your body has turned against you and maybe something else is wrong too.”

I feel that way a lot. A stomach pain could be appendicitis. A headache could be a tumor. When I was 12, a hairline fracture was Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. It can be a very hard mental place to occupy. No, I’m not struggling with cancer, so I recognize that things for Giuliana could have been much bleaker. Yet I understand the feeling that your body has turned on you. Even taking methotrexate–I know it is the medicine that makes me feel this way, yet I can’t help but also blame the disease and, thus, my body, for the tired, the ill, the absent mindedness. This blog has helped me deal with these kinds of thoughts and brought me a lot of joy alongside a lot of peace. I know it isn’t time to get sappy yet–five more days–but I don’t know how I will ever be able to thank the people that read this and offer up their support, especially one year ago when I needed it most. Thank. You.

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